Mary Beth Chapman Choosing to SEE

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[fbshare]As many of you know, I post about special needs issues affecting children. But when I was offered the opportunity to review the book Choosing to SEE: A Journey of Struggle and Hope by Mary Beth Chapman and co-authored by Ellen Vaughn, I had to jump on it. What initially piqued my interest was that Mary Beth and her husband, Steven Curtis Chapman, award-winning Christian Gospel singer, had experienced international adoption by traveling to China and adopting three beautiful girls. But as I became more familiar with the Chapman’s story, I soon realized that it crossed all boundaries, such as adoption, race, and religion, and hits to the core of being a parent. Loss is loss and the Chapmans experienced a big one.

What follows is my review of Mary Beth’s book. I was also provided with comments from Mary Beth’s to a number of different issues. This input helps add additional insight into Mary Beth, her family, and her life.

Mary Beth Chapman

The Chapman family members are devote Christians and Mary Beth’s love of God is infused throughout her story. Part of this story is Mary Beth’s relationship with God and her exploration of why her plans and God’s plans do not always match. But you do not need to be from the same faith to appreciate Mary Beth’s love of family and friends and devotion to her children.

Mary Beth revealed that in her early years of growing up she experienced the inevitable insecurities that affect many of us. As Mary Beth put it:

The enemy of my soul whispered to me that I could never be good enough, that I just wasn’t worth God’s attention and love.” (p. 33)

But Mary Beth made it through her childhood and eventually met her husband in college. They were blessed with three beautiful children, but Steven’s career and increasing popularity kept him away from the family and on the road for long periods of time. Mary Beth opened up about her bouts with depression as she struggled to care for her family and revealed:

Three cheers for antidepressant medications!  Do I need to say more?  I’ve realized many times over the years that God has allowed really smart people to create these medications to help us get better, to the point of helping us work through the issues in our lives that are our stories.  I have been depressed probably since high school but hid it until 1991 when Will was born.  I talk a lot about it in the book, along with my personal journey of realizing I couldn’t just pray my way, or Bible study my way, or do all of the right Christian things out of my depression.  With a lot of professional help, I’m making it day by day and using the depression in my life, my thorn in the flesh, as a means to let it keep driving me back to the Cross and give it to Christ.  If I get better this side of heaven, or if am healed overnight, then praise the Lord.  If I take the depression to my grave, then I will count it as the thing in my life that God has chosen to give me to keep driving me back to Him.“

International Adoption

Emily, the Chapman’s oldest daughter, felt a calling for the family to adopt. Through much consideration, they adopted a baby girl from China. As any parent of an adoption knows, when you see how many children need families, it’s hard to not open up your heart again. The Chapmans adopted two more times from China, bringing home another baby girl each time. Mary Beth shared:

When Emily was 11 years old, she and I took a trip with Compassion International where we journeyed to Haiti.  Things were never the same upon our return.  After already watching some of our closest friends adopt, plus seeing the orphans and vulnerable children of Haiti, my sweet Emily launched an all out campaign to adopt a child who otherwise wouldn’t have a home.  She pushed us hard and got her brothers to join in.  Her dad was secretly hoping for it because of what a picture adoption is in the Gospel.  I am sad to say that I was the last to hold out, but once God began working in me, some would say He hasn’t stopped.  Adoption and my three little girls have changed my life forever – giving me the clearest, purest picture of the Gospel I could ever receive.  I am so grateful that God used the faith of a child to change her mom’s heart.“

The Chapmans’ Heartbreak

The day tragedy struck and changed the Chapmans forever, they had six children ranging in ages from 23 years-old down to the youngest, Maria brought home from China, who had just turned five. One moment the family was planning a high school graduation and their oldest child’s wedding. The next moment they were planning a funeral for their youngest child.

Mary Beth reveals some interactions with Maria that seemed to foreshadow what was to come. In one incident not too much before her untimely death, Maria blurted out “I wanna go to God’s big, big house!”  (p. 134) Maria was quickly taken from her family and they had to learn how to go on in life and accept her death.

During a very moving part of her story, Mary Beth explained that the entire family attended Maria’s funeral barefoot. “It was our way of honoring her and proclaiming that we were on holy ground.” (p. 184) The very next day, the Chapman’s oldest son attended graduation ceremonies in the same sanctuary where his sister’s memorial service had taken place. To honor the Chapmans, the entire Senior class attended their graduation ceremony barefoot.

Experiencing Loss

The Chinese proverb “the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” (p. 99) was used by Mary Beth to describe the adoption process. But it is also very apropos to loss and the healing process. I believe that parents of children with special needs will be able to relate to Mary Beth and her story. Mary Beth’s stages of grieving during her loss are somewhat similar to what parents of children with special needs experience. Although Mary Beth experienced the physical loss of her daughter, parents of children with special needs experience the loss of dreams and often times a future. This is a different loss and a different pain, but a loss that still requires healing.

With regards to experiencing her loss, Mary Beth said, “I realized that we were at the very beginning of what was going to be a long, long journey.” (p.153) But later she embraced, “If we all stick together, we can do hard.” (p. 196) Mary Beth also eloquently stated:

I have found that even during those times when the path is darkest, He [God] leaves little bits of evidence all along the way–bread crumbs of grace–that can give me what I need to take the next step.” (p. 26)

Telling her story in order to provide others hope was part of Mary Beth’s process of healing from the loss of Maria. Choosing to SEE: A Journey of Struggle and Hope had many working titles, but Mary Beth explained the final title selection as:

When Maria went to heaven, the men in our family kept praying loudly that God would show us Himself in this horrific accident.  We didn’t understand…we needed to SEE God.  When we walked in our home for the first time after the accident, to gather our clothes for the funeral and memorial service and to get some of Maria’s things we wanted to display, we were still desperately praying that prayer of needing/demanding to SEE God in this tragedy.  Steven wandered over to Maria’s art table where he found a picture that she had drawn the morning of the accident.  It was a flower with six petals.  One of the petals was colored in blue.  When he flipped the paper over, we were stunned to find that she had drawn an orange butterfly and the word SEE, all in capital letters.  The way it is written on the book’s cover is Maria’s actual artwork.  We took that as God and Maria saying “SEE! I’m with Jesus and I’m ok.  It will be hard, but we will SEE each other again.”  I think because I have six children and she only colored in one of the six petals, that was a sign that she is the only one that is complete! To our knowledge, Maria had never written that word before that day.“

The book ends at about 18 months after the death of Maria, but it is clear that the healing is a continual process for the family.

Healing

The Chapmans had a passionate desire to “help as many people as we could to experience this miracle of adoption.” (p. 90) They talked with Bethany Christian Services, the agency that helped them with their adoptions, to determine the best way to help. They eventually founded an adoption and orphan care ministry named Show Hope. Mary Beth shared:

Show Hope is the adoption awareness and orphan care ministry Steven and I founded in 2001. It is named after our daughter Shaohannah Hope, the first of the three girls we adopted from China. Show Hope has the mission to care for the millions of orphans around the world, and we provide families and church communities with information on how to help care for orphans as well as give financial grants to families who are adopting. Show Hope also empowers others to act on behalf of the orphan through strategic resources, advocacy efforts, and orphan care projects around the world and through our grants, we want to help reduce the financial barriers to adoption through adoption assistance grants. Unfortunately an adoption can cost between $10,000-$45,000. There is a real need to overcome these financial barriers and link generous hearts with willing families and waiting children. Since Show Hope began, we have given over 2500 grants to families who have adopted children from over 45 different countries! I’m honored to be entrusted with the position as President of Show Hope, and it’s a true joy working with the staff and the Board. “

Show Hope is also responsible for building Maria’s Big House of Hope (MBHOH), located in one of the poorest areas of China. This is Maria’s legacy here on earth and is a constant remembrance of her powerful influence in her family’s life. Mary Beth continued:

Last year was Show Hope’s grand opening of Maria’s Big House of Hope, located in Luoyang, China. Maria’s Big House of Hope is a medical care center that provides the highest level of care for special needs orphans, from newborn to age five, who are in desperate need of surgeries and medical attention thus enabling the children to thrive and increase the orphans’ chances of being adopted. We named Maria’s Big House of Hope in loving memory of our Maria, whose laughter and love can be heard throughout every single floor, in every room, in every child there.

In just one year already, over 200 orphans have been cared for at Maria’s Big House! These children have received an incredible amount of love and medical attention due to the enormous support from the staff, volunteers and donations and even more so, many of these orphans have been able to be placed into forever homes. MBHOH also has a brand new playground and a kindergarten classroom for the older children. It’s just an amazing place!  For more about Show Hope, and Maria’s Big House of Hope, go to www.ShowHope.org.“

Conclusion

Although writing the book was part of Mary Beth’s healing process, she explained that it was also much more:

It was important to me that the book be my story, the story of my wrestling match with God and not just the loss of precious Maria.  The book was born out of a speech that I gave about that very subject, wrestling and the working title was actually Mary Beth vs. God.  It is about so many places I’ve been in my personal journey that have been hard, and where God has taken me in some really surprising ways.  When I put the final period on the book, it was as if God released me.  He whispered, “You’re done.  The book was for you.  You needed this journey, the counseling, the prayer, the reflection.”  It was and is a part of the ongoing healing process.  It was as if God was saying to me to put it on the shelf and any other copy that found its way to another reader and encouraged them was just an added bonus.  I pray that the people who read it are encouraged by my journey of wrestling with God through the good, bad and the ugly.“

Mary Beth will be speaking at twelve Women of Faith conferences scheduled this year. She will also be present on the “A Night with the Chapmans” concert tour currently underway. Check Mary Beth’s website for conference and tour dates. You can also follow her on Facebook and Twitter.

I would like to thank Vining Media Relations for contacting me and giving me the opportunity to read and review Mary Beth Chapman’s new book and for providing me with Mary Beth’s personal responses to selected questions.