February is Black History Month! We all look to appreciate the long journey African-Americans have traveled and continue to navigate present time. So what does this have to do with special needs? Keep reading and you’ll learn about our family’s race relations with a twist.
Raising a child with special needs is a challenge in and of itself, but more importantly we’re raising a challenging child of another race. This adds a whole new layer of complication because of how the general public perceives your family. It’s close, it’s sensitive and comments cut deeply.
We’ve had to learn to differentiate between the stares. Are those people looking at our son’s behavior? His skin color? Or our skin color? Is this racism rooted in hatred? Is this racism rooted in ignorance?
There are big differences and widely differing causes… but all our reactions to them need to be rooted in love. We must set the example for our son, no matter how gut wrenching it is.
You’d think that in 2012, more minds would be open and accepting to blended families. More minds would understand that adopting a child, especially a disabled child, is saving a life. Unfortunately, we’re faced with this added challenge daily, being a Caucasian couple with a mixed race child (Kenyan and German).
The things we hear day in and day out shock even the most seasoned parents and professionals. Comments come at church, the grocery store, the movies and more. Baby daddy black? Oh, you adopted? Is he yours? Who cuts his hair? Are you his teacher? You need to discipline that child!
While comments like these have been heard over and over again, they still hurt every time. We’ve been forced to come up with several defense mechanisms to protect our family from the pain. You know what happens when a child with autism hears one of these remarks? It’s repeated, repeated, and repeated any and everywhere. Imagine what happens when your kid hears your reaction to these rude reminders that society just isn’t there yet.
My husband and I started long ago disarming people giving us “the look” whether it be for our son’s interesting behaviors or the fact that he’s brown and we’re not.
When ladies would stare at us in a store or restaurant we taught Jake to wave and say “Hi pretty lady.” Since he was 2 and old enough to sit up in a shopping cart we’ve been shutting down even the most judgmental gawkers.
Since we have and continue to immerse ourselves into our son’s culture, we’ve been offered “advice” on how to raise an African-American child. You know because they’re so much different from those white ones (sarcasm intended).
People have told us we don’t know how to raise a brown child because they see this very typical-looking child having a temper tantrum. They’ve told us to get a belt. We’ve also been offered child care so they can “whip him into shape.”
Putting your hands on our child with autism backfires! He craves the huge pressure, angry eyes and deep pressure! He loves it and the huge emotions that come with it. We’ve learned to keep everything even-keel…much to many folk’s dismay.
When people see us struggling with Jake in public, or he’s humming or jumping up and down, we’ve made up business cards to distribute. They state:
“Hi, I’m Jake. I struggle with autism. Just leaving my house causes me great anxiety and sometimes I do funny things to calm myself. The more you stare the worse I get. Please be patient with me. God Bless.”
We have Jake “card” the people staring the most, and then we watch them melt into their seats. In a sad sort of way, that’s kind of gratifying.
Along our very blended journey with autism, we’ve learned more about social studies than we would have ever expected. Now we’re experts in pharmaceuticals, behavior, ABA, patience, racism, judgment and ridicule. We are traveling down a difficult road but we wouldn’t have it any other way. Puberty here we come!!
About Jenn Lynn
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