We often work with families where there is a significant mismatch between one or both parents and their child. Understanding not only how their child experiences the world, but also how they do is the first step towards creating a more harmonious home life for everyone.
Are You Sensitive and/or a Significant Introvert?
Do loud noises bother you? Are you picky about the way clothes feel? Do you startle if someone comes up behind you? Do you avoid roller coasters? Do you need time by yourself to recharge? Think about your responses to movement, touch, and sound, visual stimuli. What happens if you are blessed with a loud, sensory seeking child? This is a significant challenge, because highly sensitive (or defensive) people are continually being pushed into a survival mode. So when your child is loud or constantly on top of you, it is likely to elicit a defensive response that is difficult to override cognitively. It is all too easy to respond with anger, withdrawal, or at the very least irritation.
Mismatch Scenario
I was speaking with a parent new to our practice today. Her 4-year-old is a sensory seeker. He is constantly on the move, adores his mother and wants to connect with her constantly. This means running into her, patting her, hitting her, etc. She describes herself as sensitive and she finds she often just needs a break from him. Even as she loves him, she is worn out and stressed, parenting him.
Solutions for Mismatch
If you are a sensitive parent, self-awareness helps. Realize that what seems to be extremely annoying behavior on the part of your child, may not be. And optimizing your own self-regulation will allow you to react to behaviors on a rational rather than emotional level. Figure out what you need to do so that you are not easily pushed into an overwhelmed or defensive state. Create even brief times of peace, quiet, and/or alone time. Is music helpful? What kind? What about yoga, massage, or meditation? Sometimes even a prolonged bathroom break can help.
Are You a Sensory Seeker, Very Active and/or a Significant Extrovert?
Maybe you’re at the other end of the scale. You love being active, on the go. The more people around you the better. You turn the music up. But you have a very sensitive, quiet, introverted child. You plan great outings for the family. But your sensitive child falls apart, making the experience unpleasant for everyone. Exuberant, joyous family holidays are a disaster. This is a source of significant frustration for you, any siblings, and your child. It can feel like it is hard to have family fun, especially outside the home, with the sensitive child. And if you are more on the sensory seeker end of the curve, it can be difficult to understand and empathize with this sensitive child of yours. It is tempting to expect your child to ‘get with the program’.
Mismatch Solutions
It is important to recognize that your child may experience the world in a very different way than you do. Plan ahead and make sure that outings do not overwhelm your sensitive child. Provide opportunities for your child to experience outings, events, and vacations at a slower, quieter pace. Realize that sensory overload can push your child into survival mode, which can ruin the occasion for everyone.
With time, experience and patience even parents and children with very diverse sensorimotor styles and preferences can find ways to experience family life and have fun that work for everyone.
About Bonnie Hacker, MHS, OTR/L
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