Your Anxiety “Toolbox”

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In my home we always talk about our “toolbox”.  It’s a place where we keep all of our ideas for battling the anxiety monster and it holds some pretty amazing stuff. Today, let me help you with your toolbox!

“Too many times we stand aside and let the waters slip away, till what we put off till tomorrow has now become today. So don’t you sit upon the shoreline and say you’re satisfied. Choose to chance the rapids and dare to dance the tide.” (Source: Thinkexist.com)

Books on Anxiety
Over the years I have had plenty of books suggested to me about how to raise my anxious child. Some have been full of wonderful information and helped me have those aha moments while others, well – others left me slightly confused and feeling a little scared about the future for both my child and myself.

Then there are the books I have mulled through over the course of the years, but at the time I found that the content wasn’t appropriate for us. All of the strategies were for children older than ours and the concepts were a little out of reach.

I think the best part about having a library of resources is that sometimes you either need to go back and revisit certain things in order to refresh your thinking, while other times you pick up those books that were way ahead of you and you find a new found clarity or solution. Let’s face it, sometimes we aren’t ready for the information and we need some time to absorb it all.

Identifying Emotions
When our daughter was 5 years old she could not properly articulate her reason for being upset. So one day through reddened face, jagged breath and copious amounts of tears, when asked why the tears, she replied, “I don’t know. All I know is that I don’t feel right.”

FANTASTIC… not the most enlightening explanation of the fear and worry, but something. And this something allowed her to acknowledge that she didn’t feel right.

So from that point forward we were able to utilize a happy, sad, worried sheet to help both of us understand her emotional state at any point in time. This was a suggestion in one of the books, but utilizing it prior to what I call an “epiphany of feelings” would not have been productive. A time and place for everything I say.

Your Anxious Child
So last week from my bookshelf I decided to pick up Your Anxious Child: How Parents and Teachers Can Relieve Anxiety in Children by John S. Dacey and Lisa B. Fiore.  Guess what? The book made so much more sense to me now than it did years ago.  The activities are intended for children ages 5 up to 17 and they really resonated with me.

The book is laid out brilliantly with each activity giving you the target age, the goal and the needed materials. Each activity has easy-to-follow instructions and has recommendations for younger and older children.  Some extra information at the beginning and /or end of each exercise is provided to help in attaining a successful goal.

Let’s look at a specific activity from the book (p. 68):

This activity leads into the concept of distraction and how “distractions can also calm the nervous system so that she can find a creative solution to her difficulty. Therefore, the sooner in a stressful situation your child implements distraction exercises, the more effective they are likely to be. ” (p. 69)

Understanding Anxiety and its Causes
When working with anxious children we must always be creative and flexible, because anxiety is like a child running around in a store. The more you feed into the behavior the worse the outcome. Yell at a child and he/she will yell back.  But if you try to have your child avoid an anxiety provoking experience altogether, the anxiety will scream, “I told you so, you can’t do it.”

Anxiety, fear and worry all need to be put in their place and become a separate entity from your child. Separate the two (your child and the emotion) and the emotion will no longer become a part of him. The anxiety will be easier to shove off to the side and tell it to get lost.

The authors provide a chart of  the “Typical Causes of Anxiety of Children at Several Age Levels”. It doesn’t mean that these causes of anxiety are always correct, but the information can be used as a guideline for our children’s fears. Here is an example of the main causes of anxiety for 8 to 9 year old children:

• Personal humiliation
• Failure in school or play
• Being caught in a lie or misdeed
• Being the victim of physical violence
• Parents fighting, separating, or being hurt

The authors also work with something called, “The COPE method” which stands for:

• Calming the nervous system
• Originating an imaginative plan
• Persisting in the face of obstacles and failure
• Evaluating and adjusting the plan

This concept really does get to the root of dealing with anxiety, worry or fear. This is what we want our children to do–calm down and have a plan. Work through the difficulties and change things that don’t work. In the end I want my daughter to dance and enjoy life and not sit on the sidelines afraid to be the wonderful, spirited, and  imaginative child that she is.

It is my hope that if you pick up this book it will provide some ideas for your child’s “toolbox” so that she too can dance when everyone is watching.

Recommended Books for Parents:

• Freeing Your Child from Anxiety: Powerful, Practical Solutions to Overcome Your Child’s Fears, Worries, and Phobias by Tamar Chansky
• Keys to Parenting Your Anxious Child by Katharina Manassis
• School Phobia Panic Attacks by Marianna Csoti

Recommended Books for Children:

• What to Do When You Worry Too Much: A Kid’s Guide to Overcoming Anxiety by Dawn Huebner, Ph.D.,
• Hole in One a Tale from the Iris the Dragon Series by Gayle Grass
  Summary: This is the third book in the Iris the Dragon series. The book addresses the topic of anxiety disorder in children, specifically anxiety about going to school and performing. This book provides children with anxiety an opportunity to identify with their thoughts, feelings and actions through the young character in the book. The book also helps normalize what a child with anxiety might be going through to let them know there is hope and that getting the help they need is important.
• The Worrywarts  by Pamela Duncan Edwards
  Summary: On a “warm Wednesday morning,” Wombat, Weasel and Woodchuck contemplate all the terrible misadventures that could befall them while preparing for a “wander into the world.” There is a predictable rhythm to the story, in which each character, experiences that “Wait! What if…” feeling and is offered comfort and assurance by the other two companions. When Weasel worries what will happen if they are swept into the wilderness by a whirlwind while being chased by a wolf, Woodchuck wisely decides to wear his woolly underwear if it’s going to be windy. Yet, it is in fact, each character who ultimately faces his or her own fear and saves the entourage from any impending danger.